"Better to be the fucker than the sucker", that's what I always say.

Okay, I've never said that before, but I'm gonna start now.

Space Lord

Space Lord,
originally uploaded by aciddave.

Our neighbours came over yesterday to show us their new toy. I couldn't believe it, it was like an alien ship just touched down in our front yard. Its engine is bigger than my Mother's car. I didn't know they made bikes this huge - it has a cd changer and an intercom system. Bob couldn't keep his hands off it. He says he can't bring it for a ride until he's shined every inch of it. Next year he's gonna take it on a trip down Route 66. Now that's cool. He let me sit on it. It was the first time I ever wished I had a greasy beard, figure-hugging leather trousers and a pot belly.

Music TV gives me an ulcer

I was watching MTV today. It was Faith Evans’ Top 5 videos. Now I have no idea who Faith Evans is, but I was wondering what she meant when she said that Michael Jackson’s Thriller was one of the “greatest videos of all time.” Think about that sentence for a second. Thriller is one of the greatest videos. Of all time. I’m not against Jacko here, I just wish he had died fifteen years ago, it’s nothing personal but every day that he goes on living is an affront to music fans everywhere, but how can Ms Evans claim that Thriller is arguably the greatest music video ever? Music videos have been around for maybe twenty five years. The greatest video in 25 years. Big deal. Can we try and gain some perspective here people? Who cares? Music videos are just a 3 minute ad for sugar pop songs. Who gives a shit? Is it any surprise that the same people championing the music video are the ones who invented it? MTV have done an amazing job of creating this mythology about the music video. Think of the hysteria when Michael Jackson launched his Black and White video. Think of the madness unleashed every time MTV has one of their many, many awards shows. The Music Video Awards. The Movie awards. European Music Awards. Asian Music Awards. All diverse, all equally vapid, another shallow excuse to parade MTV’s stable of perfectly-groomed, eerily shiny-toothed popstar teenagers.

I would love to finish off this rant but the sun is shining, the barbecue is heating up and my hammock is calling to me.

I can't do epigrams

Writing when you’ve got nothing you want to say is like peeing with the toilet lid down.

[don't] Call Me!

Mobile phones could be the greatest scourge of the modern age. I think they’ll be the death of us all. I was watching Swingers last week. It’s not an old film, but it could be an ancient relic because of the way the characters se their phones. Let me explain: in the film people have one landline and an answering machine. When they go out, they don’t have a phone, they talk to people (talk, not text) and they swap numbers with people they want to see again. Then they go home at the end of the night, say goodbye to their friends, walk into their apartment and check their messages. Then they go to bed. It’s simple, it’s honest and it’s elegant. You don’t waste an evening out wondering why no one is texting you to invite you somewhere else. You leave it all at home and you enjoy yourself with the people around you. A little idealised, but basically true. You make the most of it, instead of texting people who aren’t there.

If you ring someone on a landline, even if the person you’re ringing isn’t there, someone probably is. Chances are, they can even tell you where that person. With a mobile, it’s just one person in charge of their own calls and messages. And frankly, that’s just too much responsibility for one person. The advantage of mobiles is that a person is contactable any time, any place. Sounds like Hell to me, but I’m not really a people person. So in theory, it’s great. You want to go out for a drink, you don’t have to arrange it days or even hours in advance, you just hit speed dial and make it happen right there. It doesn’t always work out like that, most of the time their phone is on silent, it’s in their pocket, they’re walking, they’re in the shower, they’re out of credit, and so on. If you haven’t freaked out at least once when you’ve wanted to contact someone and they haven’t been instantly available, you’re probably dead in the brain.

We invited these gizmos into our lives and like most new technology they fix one problem and create all-new ones. Think back ten years, how did we organise things back then? We talked to someone face to face, at college, work, the pub, whatever, and we said, “Hey, you want to do something next Thursday?” You picked a time, a place and an activity and then you stuck to it. Mobile phones have robbed us of our ability to make plans and stick to them. Now when someone invites us out, we wait until the last minute - in case someone else rings with a better offer - then we go somewhere else and text them to join us.