I was lying in bed last night and I experienced a moment of clarity. It suddenly dawned on me that television is a drug. Now I had heard this before, but until this point I had not really accepted it. It makes sense. Television is addictive, mood altering, and dangerous in large quantities. It’s not a great drug, but it still counts. Like any drugs that one is exposed to, it is important to regulate one’s use. To this end I have drawn up a set of rules to control my exposure. They are as follows:

1. If you find myself saying “Oh I remember this episode, wait ‘til you see the bit where…” it means that you have seen this show before and watching it again is a waster of my time.

2. Under NO circumstances should television be watched between the hours of 3am and 5pm as this is where programs with absolutely no merit are placed by television executives that are terrified by the thought of their cathode ray box not beaming radiation into you brain.

3. No soaps, no way. They simply recycle the same storylines over the years, guaranteeing that you will not be scared by any new ideas.

4. Meals should be eaten at a table, not on your knees in front of the goggle box.

5. ‘Reality television’ is designed to distract you form real life, which doesn’t have as many advertisements. Avoid it.

6. Instead of watching MTV, try the radio, which can play songs even when they don’t have a shiny video to accompany them.

7. Although the internet is in some ways similar to television, it allows you to interact with human beings. It is less harmful but still lethal in uncontrolled dosages.

8. No more than two hours of viewing per day, excluding culturally significant sporting events.

9. Instead of shushing family and friends when they try to talk during your show, try speaking to them. They might have something to say.

10. Game shows are the work of Lucifer himself, placating his subjects with the illusion that money, power and fame will be yours if you fill your head with enough trivia, rather than by working hard.


Wish me luck people, I’ll see you on the other side.